Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
You might remember last year’s project where Grow Jebus tried to live up to the expectations placed upon him by the packaging he came to me in but was a great disappointment when he failed to reach the size expected. In this years study we’ll see if Jebus can “cleanse your body and soul” while I use his likeness in soap form in the shower on a daily basis.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
See, I’ve been there so I know everyone one has to find their own way but the ones who look to others with experience can follow a beaten path.
I just made that up…I’m like fricken Nietzsche or Gandhi or at the very least Roger Waters of Pink Floyd. Ah, the memories or the lack of memories, either way I’m sure I had a good time…didn’t I?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
In an exclusive interview with utterpants, Mattel president Matthew Bousquette, reveals his mission to turn all little girls into talentless sluts with unusually large breasts
"Long legs, big tits, no brain, too much makeup and mute." That's how Barbie inventor Ruth Handler described the ideal American woman in 1959. "Our goal is to instill traditional American values in young girls." Anticipating the feminist movement by a decade, Handler went on to say, "American woman are becoming educated. It's all Hitler's fault. If it weren't for him, women would never have had to work. Look at me. I should be home baking cookies, but I'm running this company and taking a job away from a man who has a wife and children to support. Granted, I only earn twenty percent of what Elliot (Handler's husband and Mattel co-owner at the time) earns, but still. We have to do something or, my God, these girls will grow up to think they're equal to men. The Nazis made women work and we don't want to see a group of, what would you call them, um, Feminazis, that's it; we don’t want Feminazis to force women to work in the future. Women should be objects. That’s what we’re trying to teach."
Read the rest of the interview here http://www.utterpants.co.uk/news/ents/barbieslut.html
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Feels like: 31°F
Most days I get up, do my morning thing and head out to work knowing it’s good to be me because I get paid to play. But it took quitting my craft and working in a bike shop for a year and a half to realize how much fun it is working on people’s houses and the occasional commercial project. Today however was not one of those days; outside in the cold and wind and later snow flurries on a 30 foot ladder patching siding. Normally I’d turn down a job like this but with things the way they are I’ll do most anything that comes along within reason. But that doesn’t mean I won’t complain to myself all day long. The real problem is that I have to do jobs in order, like last week would have been great to be outside. Warm fall clear days, leaves still full of color, the paint would have dried in an hour. I can’t do that though when I’ve got a client that needs me at his bathroom renovation to push the electrical sub and then get it ready for the tile guy’s. I’m an fricking hero…a sore ageing fricking hero. Advil and a glass of red wine and I’ll be fine. Next week already looks better.
Friday, November 14, 2008
The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said in a letter distributed Sunday to parishioners at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville that they are putting their souls at risk if they take Holy Communion before doing penance for their vote.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
On Friday the Democratic National Convention revoked Virginia’s “Blue State” ranking after it was learned that the majority of voters only voted for President Elect, Barack Obama’s white half. A DCN spokesperson said that “although the Electoral Collage will still recognize Virginia’s 13 electoral votes for Obama it will have to list Virginia as Purple indefinitely.” This is a shock to many voters that had celebrated what they thought was a clear sign that Virginia was on it’s way to finally separating itself from West Virginia, Virginia’s deeply red/neck sister state to the north. Also, the DNC is looking into possible “half voting” by North Carolina, “we should know something by the end of next week on the status of NC,” said the DNC spokesperson.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Now that the political chips have fallen and Barack Obama is President Elect and already at work assembling his teams the Republican consultants for John McCain are throwing Sarah Palin under the bus. It was said that as the short list for McCain’s running mate got shorter and weaker something needed to be done to give his run for office a lift and Palin was their answer. As she was brought out and introduced to the world as the possible next VP and a heart beat away from being the most powerful person on the face of the planet I knew this was the last nail in the coffin of the Republican Campaign. I’m no expert but I know a losing team when I see one and an old man with a beauty queen as a running mate will not win an election for the highest office in the land. So now the back peddling begins with laying the blame at the feet of Palin when again I know who’s at fault. John and his campaign organizers are solely responsible for the embarrassment brought upon his run for office and Palin played the game as best she could, followed their lead, jumping through the hoops they held before her and although completely unqualified, held up like a champ. Now it’s time for her to go back to Alaska and finish her term as Governor then fad into obscurity but I have the feeling that we’ll be seeing a lot of her in the future, hopefully not in politics but in the role she is destine to play, an anchor for Fox cable news… right next to Karl Rove.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
The revision on the proposed amendment to the US Constitution defining marriage has it now as, “Between a man and two bi teenage girls.” It’s expected to pass the House and Senate overwhelmingly.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
'A moment I've been dreading. George brought his n'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.'
From the REAGAN DIARIES------entry dated May 17, 1986.
It’s an intertube rumor but I’ll just bet the old man was thinking what a loser his VP’s son was.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
This is big; half my life will be down the drain but the best is yet to come so beat the rush and find my birthday present early. But what does one get a man that has everything? Well first start with Penicillin but then think about sending me something that reminds me of you…no undergarments please.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
No license, not a journeyman card or even an apprentice certificate as required by the local government where he works for a plumbing contractor but this guy knows all about how “his “ business will be affected by Obama’s health care plan. Well here’s how it goes dip wad, you'd be able to go to the doctor and wouldn't have to pretend you were injured on the job instead of say, possibly getting too drunk at home and falling down the steps, cracking open your oversized head then fraudulently making a claim on your bosses workman’s comp insurance. See, I’ve met a hundred guy’s like you on the job, running your fricken mouth all day long regurgitating what you heard on Rush the day before. But you see Joe, I run the job and you’re… FIRED!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.
I am Ministry of Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had a crisis that has caused the need for a large transfer of funds of 700 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.
I am working with renowned Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.
This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.
Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to firstname.lastname@example.org so that we transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive you're information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.
Wonderful salutations to you cherish friend from Republic of America.
Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson
Monday, September 29, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
First up I got the bike dialed in and the backpack full of tasty treats and found my bearings then headed to “the mall” where I started to look for the ING Direct Washington Crit Race. I was told that it was to be held on a course around the Capitol building but as I rode it became clear to me that it was someplace else, so as I was looking around and planning my next move I conveniently rolled up on a DC cop sitting in his cruiser and ask if he’d heard anything about where it might be. He was nice enough to call into dispatch and informed me that it was next Sunday at 8am. I took this as being true since I didn’t look on line to be sure about the race, time or location and caulked it up as miss information given to me by a guy who was in the race. Should have bet on the racer because after excepting the cops answer and riding around to see the sites then stopping off at the White House to once again tell George W. Bush to go fuck himself I found the race as I was heading back to the car with 15 laps to go, which is the best part of the race anyway. But before I found the race I was able to take in all that DC has to offer.
I love riding around the memorials and monuments seeing all the different people and hearing languages from all over this small world. They have come to this city to see where democracy began and where a government peaceably changes hands when the people of this country so decide. I hope we get it right this time. Also citizens of this city come out to play among the statues and grand buildings, everything from football to foutbal, softball to kickball, running, riding and ultimate Frisbee. I sat and had my lunch while watching a competitive game of Ultimate and during their water break was asked if I’d like to join in, “thanks but it’s been 12 years since I’ve played and although I still have skills I just know I’ll blow out a knee.” They knew just the scenario as we’ve all seen it happen to someone while “cutting for the disc.”
As I got up to be on my way I looked down to find this; after all these years someone is still pissed off at Jane Fonda enough to make a patch and update the insult.
Next up was a visit to the White House to see my favorite dysfunctional first family and say hello to the lady across the street who for 28 years has been telling it like it is. I’ve seen her for many of those years and finally took the time to talk to her and put some cash in her hand. A true dedication to peace and nonviolent change, she told me how this administration has been the worst yet to her and how she often gets arrested. She’s our own American Ghandi.
One place I like to ride to is the park at the end of the Regan National Airport runway where, depending on the wind, planes are either taking off or landing. Great thing about this airport is that air traffic controllers refuse to include the name Regan when calling in air traffic; it’s referred to only as “National.” (that was a Cliff Claven moment)
Friday, September 12, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
Photos are popping up allover flicker and I’ve lifted a few and have looked at just about all of then like I’m in therapy and under hypnosis trying to bring out some regressed memory of abuse only this was self inflicted and very enjoyable. It’s a pain you forget but I want to remember it so I’ve been running the slide shows of others photo sharing down loads.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
But for now Napa and the “Worlds” are calling and I’ve answered; I have to admit I’ve thought about that SSWC08’ winners tattoo and where I'd put it. I’m not big on collecting body art and Julie might not like it so I figured the safe place for it would be on my dick. That way it won’t be very big and Julie will never see it.
One things for sure though, I’ll be running into some of the folks that I’ve followed on this here intertube over the past few years and I’m a little nervous about seeing these people I conceder friends that I’ve only written to or have written to me. Julie said maybe it’s like meeting my favorite celebrities, but really, more like playing with my favorite cartoon characters.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
“Bike Shed,” Richmond’s bike shop, for the cyclist “in the know” and by in the know I mean knows where my house is, would like to announce the sponsorship of “B” Cross Racing phenom PeaHen. Just back from a successful summer of road racing and a mediocre summer of love in Seattle Washington, PeaHen picked up his team bike and posed for some publicity photos. When asked to comment about the upcoming cross season and his chances on winning the Virginia Series, PeaHen replied; “I leave nothing to chance.” We at “Bike Shed” look forward to cheering him on at maybe one of these races…unless it’s too cold or too early in the morning.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
The second race in the Cranky Monkey Series was held at Fountain Head Regional Park today. I raced the first in the series of three at Wakefield Park a couple weeks ago but it was basically flat and not technical so writing a report doesn’t rate for much so I’ll just say I took 5th in the old man category, but Fountain Head is a different story. Rutty, Rocky and Rooty with short steep technical climbs and cute names for them like “Lung Buster” and “Heart Popper” or something like that. Then the downhill’s are loaded with drop-offs, more rocks and roots. All in all it was a battle royal what with the tight twisty single track, trees, sharp objects, soft sandy soil, and slower riders up ahead. Me, being a nice guy made it tough to stay with the lead guy’s in my group but I was able to get by most traffic on the technical climbs since I don’t mind blazing a trail to get around dabbing riders. Actually it’s a great ego boost to out ride the youngsters with my age written on my leg while offering them words of encouragement. After the first 9 mile lap and successfully descending “Shock-a-Billy Hill,” or something like that, I started my charge to try and reach the lead guys in my group and as I began to pick off riders I noticed none of them were in my category until about 2 miles to the finish when I made contact with one of my people. I sat on his wheel hoping to find his weakness until he asked me what group I was in and being a nice guy I answered “yours” at which time he sprinted away and showed me my weakness, nice guys’ finish 5th.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Professor X turned me on to Sasha Frere Jones and Sasha Frere Jones turns me on to what I’ve been missing or what not to miss.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Recovering from that I continued down the ramp and on toward the car and as I got to the last single track section not having a rear brake I was forced to use the front brake to shed speed as I approached. The lesson continued as the wet brake slipped then grabbed as I grabbed a bigger hand full of leaver sending me OTB (over the bars) and into a heap of bike, mud, rocks and blood, with an impacted to the shin. Angrier at my stupidity and trying to walk off the pain so I could get back on the bike and just get to the car to end this once awesome ride I once again remembered I have a great instinct when faced with life’s little decisions and 90% of the time if I ignore it something like this happens. I make it back to the car get home and shower up mostly to get over a little hyper thermal shock that had me shivering uncontrollably then a trip to the hospital for an evening of waiting my turn.
I love riding my Surly 1x1 and was pissed off big time that I’d permanently scarred it with this dent but now actually feel that it will remind me to trust my judgment and help me avoid learning things the hard way...again.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
As poignant today as when I was a child. As a 10 year old I’d watch the news with my father and saw the images of Viet Nam and the disgust on dads face. He knew all to0 well the horrors of war and that this “police action” was just politicians egos getting Americans killed. Washington was more concerned about saving face than saving lives. Now we’re once again allowing history to repeat it’s self and are bogged down in a country that was a threat to the Middle East region but one we had contained. We could have sat on Saddam indefinitely and supported an over throw from afar with less Iraqi deaths (in the millions since the war as apposed to 600,000 at the hands of Saddam over decades) and concentrated on defeating al-Qaida along with Christian fundamentalists as far as I’m concerned.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
I figure I’d give it some time, see if it’s just a hunk of lint or a piece of sand. But after about a month of “examinations” it starts to mess with my mind so I make an appointment with the doctor. A couple of weeks later I’m standing in front of the guy with my pants to my ankles and explaining, “ it’s right there doc,” but he can’t feel it so I have to take his finger and place it on the lump. Once I do that he says, “oh yeah, it’s something alright.” But he wants to get an opinion of one of his partners that apparently is an expert in the diagnosis of “something.” So he tells me to wait right there, like I’m going to follow him down the hall with my pants down walking like I’m on the chain gang doing road work with ankle irons. Well Doc # 2 comes in and introduces himself and we shake hands, if you never had a formal introduction to someone with your pants down then let me tell you, avoid it at all costs, especially if they have one of those real aggressive handshakes cause he’s all happy to meet you and shaking your hand but that not all that’s shaking…it's messed up I tell you. So now I have to go through the whole explanation with this guy and the finger placement thing and he say’s, “defiantly something.” Then these two Einsteins have a little conference right in front of me like I’m not even there and I have to say, “um, fellas, are we done here, cause I’d like to pull up if you know what I mean?”
On to the Urologist.
These guys don’t know what to do other than to refer me to an Urologist and that’s cool, I understand a specialist is needed for such a delicate area of medicine. Now I’m off to the next doctor and somehow I get in between appointment at the hospital down the road. I meet doc # 3 and do the same song and dance with this guy what with the finger placement and all and he says…”it’s something.” Alright, I’ve just had 3 dudes handle my junk all within a 2 hour period and the answer has been the same. I swear these guys all went to the same med school and were in the same fraternity cause the line from each of them was the identical. Fortunately though, doc # 3 had a bit more to offer in the way of scheduling an Ultrasound down stairs from his office right then. Not in the history of medicine has it happened where a patient was able to see 4 medical professionals in such a short period of time. Look it up on Wikapedia if you don’t believe me.
It’s down to Ultrasound.
I show up like 2 minutes later and an orderly is waiting…what is this place, the Ritz Carlton? He escorts me to a changing room where I remove my pants, once again, and put on the dreaded gown. Then he helps me on the gurney and wheels me into the “ultra booth” where he then places the boys 1, 2 and ‘richard, up on a towel for easy access then turns on the TV for the 4 of us to watch as we all wait the arrival of the “technician.”
A few minutes later the orderly stops by to tell me that she will be right there. Wait a minute…did he just say she? Fuuuuck….god I hope she’s like a million years old.
Nope! In walks the porn star in a nurse outfit of my dreams only this is a nightmare. This is pay back isn’t it, all those self exams in the shower, right? So now I have to muster up all my powers of concentration by thinking of dead puppies, cold pools and biting off little bits of my tongue all in an attempt to appear as though this is no big deal and I refuse to even let the thought of an erection enter my mind…until the KY jelly enters the picture. I’m screwed, I know it, as soon as that ultrasound wand full of that lube makes contact these towels will not be enough to hold back what will be a trebuchet of an erection. I can only hope no one loses an eye.
Well it seems little miss porn star nurse, ultrasound tech has a trick up her sleaze um sleeve…ice cold KY…there is a merciful god, once the wand hit it’s mark the boys went into retreat and the day was saved and nobody got hurt.
Well a couple days later surgery, then the biopsy and then 12 weeks, twice a week of radiation therapy and I’m cured.
Moral of the story.
Early detection is key to surviving the Big C so whip it out and perform your own “medical procedure,” it might just save your life.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
It looks as though Ex Preacher Ted Haggard is all restored now that he's not gay any more. I'm wondering if he'll have anal restoration next? Just needs to tidy up the old poop shoot before heading back to the pulpit to preach about the abomination of same sex marriage. Maybe while he’s at it he can have his head removed from his ass also. Hypocrite!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
But what ever it’s called it hurts so good.... and bad.
Friday, June 13, 2008
This brings back an embarrassing memory. It was the summer of 1967, the family went to a public pool and I’d learned how to swim the summer before and was braving all the diving boards but couldn’t get up the courage to go down the 2 story giant slide that was in the middle of the pool. Plus there was a long line and I didn’t want to stand there just to chicken out once it was my turn. So I waited and finally no one was there, I could just wade to the giant metal sliding board and go right up. I climbed the ladder and reached the platform and sat in position and decided to go. As I began my trip toward the cool blue water waiting below I quickly got a lesson in sliding board mechanics. The reason there was no line was because the water that pours down the metal to make it slippery had been turned off for some reason, bringing me to a screeching halt half way down the hotplate like surface causing me to eject myself from 10 feet in the air like a fighter pilot from a burning jet hitting the water with a belly flop. The pain that has stayed with me all the years however is not the memory of the burning sensation on both my ass and stomach but the humiliation of the laughter. The lesson I learned that day was how to suck up pain and not run crying to my mom
Saturday, May 31, 2008
I've experienced nothing close to that but I know just the type of assholes…The dam was finished 2 years ahead of time and that just meant the contractors made that much more money and the engineer got a big old pat on the back from the President and the workers got sent on their way. Yep, that kinda pisses me off.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I met my guide, Jeff of All Mountian Cyclery, at 7:30 and he loaded up my bike for the short drive to his shop in Bolder City at the base of Boot Leg Canyon and after sending a couple of riders off on the “corporate tour” that went on a pave path to the dam jeff and I headed up to the single track. He took me on a fun short loop trail nearer to his shop to check my skills. I didn’t know at the time but he wanted to be sure I’d be able to ride the canyon trails and this was a test. Kind of a pop quiz on wheels and I think I got low B or a high C but jeff was very kind and complimented me on my riding and off we went. Really the trail was not that hard, some climbing but the surface was like the moon to me with a lot of exposure and a high penalty for failure. The rocks are the obstacle dujour and Jeff had this trick where he’d use his front wheel to flick a baseball size rock off the trail and in the air with out losing any momentum. Not just a few times but like 30, it was like he was the doorman at the Ritz. This was very helpful, because as the sun rose, so did the temperature. And though it was oftentimes described as being in a pizza oven, really it was not as bad as the Richmond heat, which I describe as like being in a rice steamer. It was still not something that I was used to, so every little bit helped. It turns out that Jeff, the owner of All Mountain Cyclery, has a great Philosophy. He lives in his world the best he can and rides. ..tries not to watch the news, because it isn’t, and he rides…works hard, treats people right, and he rides. We stopped and talked about life a little, while sitting in the shade of an undercut rock, and I found a new friend. It was very “bromantic.”
After a snack and some water, we headed back for some sweet downhill and then lunch at the shop. Once there, he made me feel right at home with a brown bag full of goodies and a place to eat them in the service area at the work bench. After we’d settled up on the tour, and I did the tourist thing by buying a shop jersey, he then loaded up my bike and we hopped in the van for the short ride back to the resort.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Fortunately Monday is a rest day and training days last week fell in between rain days so hopefully I’ll have the legs for Saturdays Ride to Provide challenge century and, as Bike Snob NYC coined, noncompetitive competitive cycling event. Getting dropped on one of these rides is like failing to win your girlfriend that stuffed unicorn at the carnival ring toss or not chugging a Miller Pony in one go. It doesn’t really mater but everyone remembers. So I’ll sit this Monday out, look toward Tuesday as the start of my week and double time it to the weekend.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Willie Nelson gave a show in Roanoke Virginia 27 years ago on his 48th birthday that I attended with a skirt chasing buddy of mine from work.
Back then I lived in Lynchburg Va. (home of the Falwell’s) and, believe it or not, worked in a church furniture factory assembling…well, church furniture. We went to the show and it rocked and we met some girls’ cause that’s what we did and talked them into an after show carousing of the local bar scene. Of course they wanted to go out with us because we were the shit and they were of low moral standards. But to get them to agree to hang out with us we had to somehow get them on Willies bus. Seems we must have told them something about being able to pull that off and what did we have to lose if it didn’t go down. So the four of us made our way to the back of the coliseum where the bus and tractor trailer were parked and that’s when I had one of the greatest moments of “my bullshit.”
I had been driving TT’s for a couple years for the furniture factory, installing pews and delivering pulpit, chairs, tables and the like all over the country. As we approached the roped off parking area for Willies caravan I spotted the driver of the big rig Bob Tailing it into the parking area. That means he was in the Tractor with no Trailer, the trailer was parked and he was coming in from where ever he’d been hanging out while the show was going on. The roadies were loading out the set into the trailer and this guy was getting ready to back in to hook the tractor to the trailer. I noticed that there was no one to move the rope that was there to keep people, like us, from getting to close so I jumped into action and pulled it aside and guided the driver as he backed in to hook up the 5th wheel to the trailer peg and before he could get out of the rig I had his air lines hooked up and was rolling up the trailer jacks. He checked my work and asked who I was and I said, “I’m a driver and know how much road you have ahead of you so I thought I’d lend a hand and I’m fan of Willies and came back here to try and catch a glimpse. He took all four of us onto the bus and introduced us to Willie and his entourage.
After, we went bar hopping and soon the girls dumped us for some musicians but not until they bragged on how we got them into meet Willie.